If We’re Hard on Ourselves, We’re Hard on Our Kids
by Ona Wetherall O’Hara
Early Childhood Leader, Rosebud Lead Teacher, Parent of 3
As an early childhood teacher, I often think about the parents of the children in my class just as much as the children. Parent work is so important in education and especially in early childhood, when children are often separated from their parents to a school setting for the first time. Parents need just as much support as children! While thinking through pending conversations with parents I recently had a thought that rang so true for me, and I thought perhaps it would resonate with other parents; if we’re hard on ourselves, we’re hard on our kids. In turn, our kids are, and become adults who are, hard on themselves.
A strict approach can be a blessing and a curse. Perhaps it can help instill a driven and disciplined disposition in our children. After all, in some ways I wonder if maybe, as parents, we have lost our grip with being hard on our kids in a healthy way and we tend to be too “soft”, as we struggle to hold boundaries with our children. On the other hand, we also know how painful and debilitating it can be to get stuck in places where we are being hard on ourselves, we even do it to ourselves in reflection of our parenting, much of which is natural human reaction to unexpected, startling, confusing, and challenging situations. There lays a predicament: can we find a way to be hard on ourselves, and our kids, in a way that encourages us and them to strive and grow and not feel defeated and stuck? Can we try to be self-aware without judgement, as human beings and as parents, learn from our reflections, and pass that on to our children?
Being a parent brings us to the edge of our vulnerability and leaves us feeling exposed and raw and that’s often where our children meet us with their needs. For some of us, we carry baggage and/or trauma from our own childhood that we often desperately want to avoid in our own parenting journey. However, what we are internally processing often becomes what our children externally express, in one form or another. Sometimes, the things we fear the most are what our children manifest for us to deal with, because life has a way of serving us our work to do one way or another.
One of the biggest influences on our parenting is what we experienced as children. Some of these experiences we strive to honor and pass on to our children and some of them we want to avoid, hoping to model and give our children something different. It can be easy to judge our upbringing and forget that, for the most part, our parents, just like ourselves, always want to be good parents. We also easily lose sight of the fact that everything we experience contributes to who we are as people, partners, and parents and it’s difficult to grow if we dismiss that or expend energy judging it. In some ways, if we’re hard on our parents, we’re hard on ourselves, and we’re hard on our kids. One approach to breaking this passed-down cycle of judgement is to appreciate all that we as parents are striving for, knowing that part of that drive comes from pushing through our life experiences and using all of them to do our best. In other words, positive outcomes come from positive (or at least objective) approaches and it’s really difficult to feel and be successful driven by negative perspectives.
As we start to think about summer, a helpful aspect to include is; how can we set ourselves up to not be hard on ourselves and in turn not hard on our kids. Summer is a time for breathing out and relaxing. Perhaps that can include some time for compassion and acceptance for all that we are so we can grow and parent from there and model that for our children.
